A Fight Between Cat and Toad
by BryteTwilight
Summary: A McGonagall/Umbridge showdown. Rawr. :-) [COMPLETED--extended author's note]


Title: A Fight Between Cat and Toad  
  
Author: Brytetwilight  
  
Rating: PG-13 for. . .er. . .violence and shouting. I don't know! Oh, and a bit of language.  
  
Summary: A McGonagall/Umbridge showdown. Rawr.  
  
Disclaimer: I own nothing, don't sue.  
  
Author's Notes: Have you noticed who my favorite professor is? Lol. . .anyway, quick, spur-of-the-moment fic and the result of too many pixie sticks. *ALSO* Slightly OoC for humor's sake, i.e. Minerva would never disrespect another staff member in such a way =) That said. . .  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~  
  
Minerva McGonagall sat quietly in an armchair in a corner of the staff room, a large stack of papers on either side of her and a red checking pen in hand. The papers on the right were graded; to the left were those that needed to be graded. The left pile was considerably larger than the right.  
  
"Hem, hem," a sickly sweet voice rang through the lounge. McGonagall's muscles tightened; she had thought the room to be empty. Letting out a long sigh, she turned in her seat and stared over her shoulder, spotting one of her least favorite people.  
  
"Oh, hello, Dolores-didn't see you there, I was just leaving, almost finished!" she stammered, pocketing the pen.  
  
Professor Umbridge raised her caterpillar-like eyebrows. It certainly did not look as if she were done, but that was no matter. "Hem, hem," she cleared her throat again. In a sickly sweet voice, she continued. "I was just noticing the remarkably high score you gave Miss Granger. After simply skimming the essay, it seems that a perfect score really doesn't suit, you know."  
  
A vein in Minerva's neck pulsed. "I believe that I can grade my own student's work, thank you very-"  
  
Umbridge cut her off. "I saw, as well, the rather low score you granted Mr. Malfoy. I'm afraid that, with the obvious competition between Slytherin and your own house, this struck me as blatant favorism and I will need to take these papers in for reviewing."  
  
"You aren't allowed to do that, yet," replied Minerva, failing to hide her disrespect. "Or will there be yet another rule posted tomorrow?" Her mouth thinned and she raised an eyebrow, glancing at the bulletin board. Already, twenty-six new rules had been tacked up.  
  
Professor Umbridge's toad-like face became even more so with anger. "I wouldn't say that if I were you, Minerva. As High Inquisitor, I am conducting studies of every teacher, and if I-" she coughed. "-accidentally slip your name onto the probation list, I'm sure no one will think a thing of it."  
  
"You wouldn't dare," Minerva hissed.  
  
"Oh, yes I would."  
  
Minerva set her papers aside and stood, staring down a good two feet at her fellow "professor." "I have taught at this school for thirty-seven years," she replied in a deathly tone. "And I do not intend on quitting anytime soon, whether you wish so or not."  
  
"Oh, don't worry, dear, I can't get you sacked," Minerva winced at being called "dear" by someone only little more than half her age, not to mention height. "But I am in league with the Minister and if you have not noticed, some changes have been going on around this school, and if I have my way, there will be many more."  
  
"Albus Dumbledore will NOT stand for it, and if I recall, he had SPOON-FED your excuse for a Minister advice up until he was blinded by his thirst for power!"  
  
"Oh, EXCUSE me," Umbridge's poisoned-honey voice rose even more so. "Headmistress, has no one informed you? Albus Dumbledore will been driven out of his own madhouse."  
  
"I KNOW VERY WELL WHAT WILL GO ON IN THIS SCHOOL!" McGonagall did not bother to keep her voice down. Deciding to take a leaf out of Hagrid's book, she drew her wand. "And if you ever-EVER-insult the headmaster again in front of me, REST ASSURED it will be reported.  
  
"Going to jinx me, are you, Minerva?"  
  
"You bitch!" she exclaimed, dropping her wand and grabbing a lamp, instead.  
  
"You're on."  
  
***  
  
Professor Snape was on his way to nab a snack from the kitchen when he heard yelling, coming from the teacher's lounge. He pressed his ear to the door. "Bloody hell." Yes, indeed, there was a match. . .involving Minerva? And Dolores?! A grin spread across his face.  
  
"Oy, Sevvie!" Snape whipped around, ready to curse anyone who had called him by such a name. Unfortunately, it was only Peeves.  
  
"What do you want?"  
  
"Heard them, have you? They've been at it for a good fifteen minutes, it's rather amusing. My second and third favorite professors to annoy, maybe they'll each drive the other mad. . ." he cackled.  
  
"Alert the other teachers, will you?" Snape replied in a voice so unlike his usual oily one. "They'll want to hear this, I'm sure. And-" he paused. "Which poor, unfortunate soul is your favorite to aggravate?"  
  
"You."  
  
"I see."  
  
Screeching in a most horrid, up-to-no-good voice, Peeves called through the hall. "Oh, Binns! Flitwick, Sprout, Hagrid! Trelawney, Filch! Fight in the staff room, fight in the staff room, come have a look-see!" Severus grinned like a schoolboy.  
  
Within five minutes, a small group of professors were huddled at the door. Flitwick had been so kind as to bring along a pair of extendable ears. "Very nice charm work, those Weasley twins do," he had said, sliding one through the crack beneath the door.  
  
***  
  
"TAKE THIS, CATWOMAN!" called Umbridge from across the room, hurtling a china plate at her colleague.  
  
Minerva ducked and it flew into the fireplace. "Yes indeed, super toad!"  
  
Umbridge's jaw fell open in shock. "You did NOT just say that."  
  
McGonagall smirked. "Oh, yes I did."  
  
A fierce war cry, like one that would come from a member of a savage African tribe, escaped Umbridge's mouth. "PREPARE TO BE SACKED!!!" she roared.  
  
At that moment, however, the door flew open. The two women froze in place, for standing in the doorway was Albus Dumbledore.  
  
"Professor!" Umbridge cried, smoothing her wildly askew hair and promptly dropping a vase. It shattered.  
  
"Dolores, enough of that for one night, I think," he said with a twinkle in his eye, suppressing a laugh at the blue squiggles plastered onto her face. He glanced at Professor McGonagall; she hid a marker behind her back.  
  
Umbridge hastily scooted out of the lounge and to her quarters.  
  
"And, Minerva-"  
  
"I'm sorry, Headmaster, I shouldn't have let my temper get the best of me." She interrupted, a bit pink in the face. "But that DREADFUL-" her voice began to rise again, but Dumbledore cut her off.  
  
"My dear woman, don't apologize!" he looked baffled. "That was a rather good go, and I say, you got a bit sharpie-happy, didn't you?"  
  
Minerva grinned. "Yes, yes, I suppose I did. But still-the Ministry will hear about this, it won't look good-"  
  
"Don't worry about the Ministry. And," he spotted her fallen bun. "Wear your hair down more often, it looks nice like that."  
  
She laughed as she picked up her wand to repair the damage done to the room. "Thank you, headmaster."  
  
***  
  
The next morning. . .  
  
"Professor McGonagall?" Hermione Granger strolled up to her teacher's desk. "Er. . .sorry to bother you, but it's about the grade on my homework. . ."  
  
"Yes?"  
  
Hermione flushed, handing her the paper. "Well, it just seemed rather high, that's all. . ." She normally would not question such a thing, but she had only taken half an hour on the essay, instead of the usual two.  
  
The professor took it in her hands and adjusted her glasses. "Yes, marks of fourteen out of ten, that is a bit high, isn't it? Well, if you must know, Professor Umbridge seemed to think it deserved a three, and, well. . ." She had put an emphasis on "professor," as it was rather hard to think of Dolores as one. "Let's keep this our secret, shall we?" 


End file.
